Real Funny Headlines

Crack Found on Governor's Daughter [imagine that!]
Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says [no, really?]
Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers [now that's taking things a bit far!]
Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus? [not if I wipe thoroughly!]
Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over [what a guy!]
Miners Refuse to Work after Death [no-good-for-nothin' lazy so-and-sos!]
Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant [see if that works any better than a fair trial!]
War Dims Hope for Peace [I can see where it might have that effect!]
If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last A While [you think?!]
Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures [who would have thought!]
Enfield (London) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide [they may be on to something!] Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges [you mean there's something stronger than duct tape?!] Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge [he probably IS the battery charge!]
New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group [weren't they fat enough?!]
Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft [That's what he gets for eating those beans!]
Kids Make Nutritious Snacks [Taste like chicken?]
Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half [Chainsaw Massacre all over again!]
Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors [Boy, are they tall!]
Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead Now there's a tragedy!

The art of being drunk

A.G.B. (abbr.) - "After Grog Bog." Let's just say better give it ten minutes if I were you. This turd is the stickiest and stinkiest of them all. The most effective ones are a result of beer drinking in mass quantity. (Aust. from Glen)
Bait-and-Switch (verb) - A term coined (rather, borrowed) by Kurt. Perhaps the most insidious bar trick of all. It seems to belong exclusively to women, although I'm not sure why. The point is for a pretty woman to help her less-attractive friend to talk to the man that she wishes to talk with. The pretty woman lures the man in question to the table/barstool, and then suddenly excuses herself, leaving the man alone with the plainer friend. (U.S. from Joan). Aust equivalents are called - the Wingman, Run the assist, the set up.
Bedspins (noun) - A peculiar variety of spins that occur when lying prone. Putting one foot on the floor usually helps. If you are already on the floor, may God have mercy on your soul. (U.S. from Joan)
Beer Goggling (verb) - Describes a phenomenon that occurs when one consumes enough alcohol to alter one's perception of beauty, taste, and aesthetics. Complete boors turn into wonders of poetry and grace. Screeching shrews seem elflike and lovely. Otherwise reasonable men begin buying drinks for women that make Ricki Lake look like Marilyn Monroe. The inspiration behind the popular U.S./Budweiser tee shirt, "Friends Don't Let Friends Beer Goggle." Noun - Beer Goggles (Intl. from Joan)
Blotto (adj.) - Could possibly have been derived from the term "blurred" as inblurred vision. No quite ratarsed but well on the way. (Aust. from Glen
Blow Chunks (verb) - See hurl
Booze (noun) - Can be used to describe any form of alcohol but is generally reserved for low grade swill such as Fosters, Hahn Ice or any cheap rum. (Intl. from Glen).
Buzzed (adj.) - Describes several sub-levels of mild intoxication. Getting and maintaining the buzz is the goal of many social drinkers and party-goers. Get [got, gonna get] my buzz on is a fragmentary statement often uttered by the skater/alternative/hardcore set as both a desire and a process. (U.S. from Joan)
Buzzkill (noun) - That which destroys the buzz. Examples of buzzkills would be fights with one's significant other while at the pub (particularly if one's friends are looking on with a mixture of disgust and resentment), boring people who insist on talking to you at the pub, your best friend admitting that he/she is sleeping with your significant other, horrible music after you've just heard three of your favorite songs in a row, discovering that you actually have about half of the money that you thought you had at the beginning of the evening, and barroom brawls. The only remedy for a buzzkill? Drink more beer. (U.S. from Joan)
Cooter Brown (noun)-- a drunkard of legendary proportions whose intake of alcoholic librations set a standard against which all drunks became forever measured; i.e., "drunker than Cooter Brown." (U.S. from Deebee1040)
Do shots (verb) - This is how people in the U.S. achieve their deserved drunken-hick stereotype. Shot glasses of spirits are downed in combination with beer, in one gulp. This is why it is referred to as "doing" a shot rather than "having" a shot. Sipping is definitely not part of the equation. (U.S. from Joan)
Drunk (adj.) - Intoxicated. Can refer to various levels, from feeling pleasantly gregarious to Projectile vomiting. Unlike the English, we do not use this term as a past tense of "drink", as in his beer was quickly drunk. We feel that this would only confuse the issue. Besides, how can a beer be drunk? That's like saying that a cup of coffee felt jittery. eg. "Drunk as a skunk", blind drunk, noun - drunk - one who is often drunk. (Intl.. from Joan)
Foster's Flop (noun - or lack of verb as it were) - Affects the male of the species when over-consumption and female company both occur on the same night. Also see ratarsed. (Aust. from Muzza)
F**ked up (adj.) - The Granddaddy of all drunks. The realization of this state generally occurs during the long and incomprehensible walk home. Parts of this journey generally remain shrouded in mystery forever. The walls, ground, and the very sky take on a circling, rotating quality (see spins, below.) (Intl. from Joan)
Hangover (noun) - The foglike result of the over-consumption of sparkling malt beverages on the previous night. No known cure, although many have tried. The best solution seems to be to take a couple of aspirin and grit your teeth. That saying about the hair of the dog curing its bite is a load of excrement. It only leads to a prolonged hangover. (Intl. from Joan)
Hammered (adj.) - Describes the feeling of extreme illness associated with over-consumption and is intensified if you happen to find yourself in a decent "knuckle" during the night.
Hair of the Dog (adj) - Describes of the process of consumption to cure the effects of over-consumption. Has shit-all effect and will most likely lead to spurts of projective vomiting. (Intl. from Glen).
Hooking up - Behavior generally observed in pubs beginning about an hour and a half before last call and lasting until they turn on the lights. Couples begin to pair off and wander outside. Public display of affection generally begins to occur both within and without the pub. Many times observed between people who were complete strangers until a couple of hours ago. Usually involves one of the parties glancing furtively (well, as furtively as one can when completely shitfaced) about in hopes of not being busted by his or her significant other, or more likely, by the friends of one's significant other. Will most likely end in whiskey dick/Foster's Flop. (Intl. from Joan)
Housed (adj.) - Moderately drunk. Beginning to stumble. This term is particularly popular with people who listen to the Grateful Dead and smoke large amounts of pot. (U.S. from Joan)
Hurl (verb) - (hurled, to hurl, I'm gonna hurl, etc.): To vomit. My jibe to my Irish friends is that they excel at hurling, both on the pitch and off. Refers to the adamant and projectile nature of drunken vomiting. Hurled (adv.), I'm gonna hurl, to hurl etc. (Intl. from Joan)
Gutter Hugger (noun) ie. To hug the gutter. The process of emptying the contents of your stomach into a gutter, or the nearest bin/trash can. (Aust. from Timo)
Legless (adj.) - common term used to describe the "beer wobbles" or the general feeling in instability caused by over consumption. (Intl. from Glen)
Piss (noun) - interesting term that can simply describe any form of alcohol (Aust.) or more commonly can be used to describe poor quality beer (ie. this is piss!). (Intl. from Glen)
Pissed (adj.) - general drunkenness. Context - "you're pissed", "oh shit I'm pissed", "I'll have a schooner of XXXX, god I'm pissed" etc. etc. (Aust. from Glen)
Piss-up (noun) - the process of gathering fellow beer swilling individuals to Suck piss (see below). This may be formal or informal, have a particular reason, or be simply gratuitous. Successful piss-ups end in a different location to which they started, possibly the watchhouse. (Aust. from Glen)
Pound (verb) A verb describing the act of drinking rapidly and in succession. Pounding a beverage is likely to result in conditions such as Foster's Flop/Whiskey Dick. (U.S. from Joan)
Ratarsed (adj) "Rat-arsed" - Basically, this is a state of extreme drunkenness. You experience feelings of - well you don't feel anything, you don't know who or where you are. At this stage you are unconsciously wishing that someone will take you home - From a male perspective, if this someone happens to be female have a note prepared saying that you don't want anything, just somewhere to sleep. This can save the male species from the embarrassment of what is described as Foster's Flop - the greatest side-effect of being ratarsed. (Aust. from Glen)
Shitfaced (adj.) - Pretty drunk. Most likely one has vomited at least once. One's vocabulary has grown a little thick. Fine motor skills, such as handwriting, are beginning to go to hell in a handbasket. Completely shitfaced A finer shade of shitfaced. All of the above conditions apply, with the tendency to deem those who resemble Quasimodo as rather attractive (see beer goggling). (Intl. from Joan)
Spew (verb) - See blow chunks.
Spins (noun) - The sensation that all material planes about you are engaged in constant, whirling motion, leaving you no solid ground upon which to stand. Generally produces a feeling of profound nausea. (U.S. from Joan)
Staggering (verb) - The process of attempting to gain mobility while heavily under influence. Example include - staggering towards the bar, staggering towards home, staggering on the hood of a taxi.
Suck Piss (verb)- Any activity that involves drinking. Introduced to me by my drinking buddy, Matt, this term requires no explanation of context as it has none. Simply, if you know someone familiar with this term, you phone them, or email them, say/type "suck piss", and hey presto, you're on the train ready for anything from a quiet one (one or two small drinks) to an extreme drinking binge. (Aust. from Matt)
Tipsy (adj.)- commonly used in the wine drinking arena and most commonly describes a female of the species under slight influence. Warning signs include extreme and uncharacteristic flirting, loudness of voice and irritating laughter. (Intl. from Glen)
Two Pot Screamer (noun) - A pot is approximately equivalent to half a pint and is the most commonly available glass size in Australia. If an individual shows signs of any of the terms listed above or below after 2-4 pots, they are referred to as a two pot screamer. If you are paying for the drinks, they make an excellent companion - good value all round. They get drunk before you do, so you can laugh at them, and the drinks won't cost all that much. (Aust. from Glen)
Under the Weather (adj.) - used to explain the effects similar to a hangover. (Aust. from Glen)
Wasted (adj.) - Involves repeated vomiting. Giving someone your phone number is out of the question, as you became incapable of writing back during the completely shitfaced phase. The floor has developed an annoying habit of shifting backward and immediately jerking sharply upward when you attempt to descend from your barstool to go to the bathroom to vomit. (Intl. from Joan)
Whiskey Dick (noun) - See Foster's Flop (U.S. from Joan)
Wrecked (adj.) - see as wasted. (Intl. from Glen)