I wud like a kool toy space ranjur fer Xmas. Iv ben a gud boy all yeer.
yer Frend, BiLLy
Nice spelling. You're on your way to a career in lawn care. How about I
send you a friggin' book so you can learn to read and write? I'm giving
your older brother the space ranger. At least HE can spell!
I have been a good girl all year, and the only thing I ask for is peace
joy in the world for everybody!
Your parents smoked pot when they had you, didn't they?
I don't know if you can do this, but for Christmas, I'd like for my mommy
and daddy to get back together. Please see what you can do?
Look, your dad's banging the babysitter like a screen door in a hurricane.
Do you think he's gonna give that up to come back to your frigid mom, who
rides his ass constantly? It's time to give up that dream. Let me get you
some nice Legos instead.
I want a new bike, a Playstation, a train, some G.I. Joes, a dog, a drum
kit, a pony and a tuba.
Who names their kid "Francis" nowadays? I bet you're gay; I'll set you up
with a Barbie.
I left milk and cookies for you under the tree, and I left carrots for
reindeer outside the back door.
Milk gives me the runs and carrots make the deer fart in my face when
in the sleigh. You want to do me a favor? Leave me a bottle of scotch.
What do you do the other 364 days of the year? Are you busy making toys?
Your friend, Thomas
All the toys are made in China. I have a condo in Vegas, where I spend
of my time making low-budget porno films. I unwind by drinking myself
and squeezing the asses of cocktail waitresses while losing money at the
craps table. Hey, you wanted to know.
Do you see us when we're sleeping, do you really know when we're awake,
in the song?
Are you really that gullible or are you just a blonde? Good luck in
whatever you do. I'm skipping your house.
I really really want a puppy this year. Please please please PLEASE PLEASE
could I have one?
That whiney begging shit may work with your folks, but that crap doesn't
work with me. You're getting a sweater again.
We don't have a chimney in our house, how do you get into our home?
First, stop calling yourself "Marky", that's why you're getting your ass
whipped at school. Second, you don't live in a house; you live in a
low-rent apartment complex. Third, I get inside your pad just like the
boogeyman does, through your bedroom window.
1. Consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an idiot.
2. Consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.
3. Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisible.
4. Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to strangle you.
5. Consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like thish.
6. Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that your ex is really dying for you to call them at 4:00 in the morning.
7. Consumption of alcohol may cause serious rug burns on the forehead and chin area.
8. Consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, handsomer and smarter than some really big guy named Bubba.
9. Consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.
10. Consumption of alcohol may cause a flux in the time-space continuum, whereby gaps of time may seem to disappear.
11. Consumption of alcohol may result in pregnancy.
12. Consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the heck happened to your pants.
10. I was "distracted"
9. I fainted.
8. I forgot to put the cordless phone down!
7. The toilet moved!
6. I was trying to eat a taco!
5. I only have one hand!
4. I thought I was done!
3. I didn't miss, it's just your imagination!
2. I'm partially blind in my left eye.
1. I couldn't breathe, because SOMEONE stunk the bathroom up before