Dear Santa,

I wud like a kool toy space ranjur fer Xmas. Iv ben a gud boy all yeer.

yer Frend, BiLLy

Dear Billy,

Nice spelling. You're on your way to a career in lawn care. How about I

send you a friggin' book so you can learn to read and write? I'm giving

your older brother the space ranger. At least HE can spell!

Santa

________________________________________________________________

Dear Santa,

I have been a good girl all year, and the only thing I ask for is peace

and

joy in the world for everybody!

Love, Sarah

Dear Sarah,

Your parents smoked pot when they had you, didn't they?

Santa

________________________________________________________________

Dear Santa,

I don't know if you can do this, but for Christmas, I'd like for my mommy

and daddy to get back together. Please see what you can do?

Love, Teddy

Dear Teddy,

Look, your dad's banging the babysitter like a screen door in a hurricane.

Do you think he's gonna give that up to come back to your frigid mom, who

rides his ass constantly? It's time to give up that dream. Let me get you

some nice Legos instead.

Santa

________________________________________________________________

Dear Santa,

I want a new bike, a Playstation, a train, some G.I. Joes, a dog, a drum

kit, a pony and a tuba.

Love, Francis

Dear Francis,

Who names their kid "Francis" nowadays? I bet you're gay; I'll set you up

with a Barbie.

Santa

______________________________________________________

Dear Santa,

I left milk and cookies for you under the tree, and I left carrots for

your

reindeer outside the back door.

Love, Susan

Dear Susan,

Milk gives me the runs and carrots make the deer fart in my face when

riding

in the sleigh. You want to do me a favor? Leave me a bottle of scotch.

Santa

________________________________________________________________

Dear Santa,

What do you do the other 364 days of the year? Are you busy making toys?

Your friend, Thomas

Dear Thomas,

All the toys are made in China. I have a condo in Vegas, where I spend

most

of my time making low-budget porno films. I unwind by drinking myself

silly

and squeezing the asses of cocktail waitresses while losing money at the

craps table. Hey, you wanted to know.

Santa

______________________________________________________

Dear Santa,

Do you see us when we're sleeping, do you really know when we're awake,

like

in the song?

Love, Jessica

Dear Jessica,

Are you really that gullible or are you just a blonde? Good luck in

whatever you do. I'm skipping your house.

Santa

________________________________________________________________

Dear Santa,

I really really want a puppy this year. Please please please PLEASE PLEASE

could I have one?

Timmy

Timmy,

That whiney begging shit may work with your folks, but that crap doesn't

work with me. You're getting a sweater again.

Santa

______________________________________________________

Dearest Santa,

We don't have a chimney in our house, how do you get into our home?

Love, Marky

Mark,

First, stop calling yourself "Marky", that's why you're getting your ass

whipped at school. Second, you don't live in a house; you live in a

low-rent apartment complex. Third, I get inside your pad just like the

boogeyman does, through your bedroom window.

Sweet Dreams,

Santa

1. Consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an idiot.
2. Consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are   not.
3. Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisible.
4. Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to strangle you.
5. Consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like thish.
6. Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that your ex is really dying for you to call them at 4:00 in the morning.
7. Consumption of alcohol may cause serious rug burns on the forehead and chin area.
8. Consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, handsomer and smarter than some really big guy named Bubba.
9. Consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.
10. Consumption of alcohol may cause a flux in the time-space continuum, whereby gaps of time may seem to disappear.
11. Consumption of alcohol may result in pregnancy.
12. Consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the heck happened to your pants.

10. I was "distracted"

  9. I fainted.

  8. I forgot to put the cordless phone down!

  7. The toilet moved!

  6. I was trying to eat a taco!

  5. I only have one hand!

  4. I thought I was done!

  3. I didn't miss, it's just your imagination!

  2. I'm partially blind in my left eye.

  1. I couldn't breathe, because SOMEONE stunk the bathroom up before
      me!